


How Strange, Innocence

by ikuzonos



Series: The Friends We Used to Know [5]
Category: Dangan Ronpa, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Multi, NDRV3 Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-13
Updated: 2017-02-13
Packaged: 2018-09-24 00:07:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9690011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ikuzonos/pseuds/ikuzonos
Summary: Saihara listens, listens to Shirogane talk all night. He can’t figure out why, and all the time, his mind screams at him that he has to go. The more he listens, the more Saihara feels himself detaching from his body. It’s no wonder that the entire team worships Shirogane anymore. Something about her is just socaptivating,and he can’t turn his head away.Saihara wishes he could forget her.[Major Endgame NDRV3 Spoilers]





	

He doesn’t find this out until the next morning, but the only reason that Saihara gets away with sneaking into the hospital and threatening Shirogane is because the security team was too busy keeping an eye on Gonta, who had woken up during the night. 

Saihara listens, listens to Shirogane talk all night. He can’t figure out why, and all the time, his mind screams at him that he has to go. The more he listens, the more Saihara feels himself detaching from his body. It’s no wonder that the entire team worships Shirogane anymore. Something about her is just so  _ captivating _ , and he can’t turn his head away.

When she’s done, it’s fifteen minutes after three in the morning, and Saihara has never felt more delirious in his life. He leaves her without speaking, not even bothering to pick up the knife that is now probably in her possession. If Saihara had been in his right mind at the time, there was no way he would have left it behind, but there are no ‘ifs’ left for him. Not anymore.

Mindlessly, Saihara wanders the hospital. He doesn’t know who or what he’s looking for, only that he has to get as far away from Shirogane as possible. His subconscious doesn’t want to though, because he keeps walking up to her room, again and again. Once or twice, he puts his hand on the knob, before violently jerking away.

Eventually, Saihara makes his way to the entrance. The receptionist hasn't arrived at the counter yet, a blessing for him. He gets out the same way that he came in, through a gap in between the caging and the wall that hasn't been fixed. 

His body moves on autopilot, heavy and exhausted. He can't remember how long it's been since he's had sleep. The next time that Saihara consciously makes a movement, he's knocking on one of the doors to a private room. There's no response, and Saihara realizes that he has no clue whose room he's at. For all he knows, it's his own room that he's uselessly banging on. 

He knocks again, harder, his already bruised knuckles hitting the metal with surprise force. This time, Saihara receives a response, weak and dry as it is. 

“Door’s unlocked.”

The voice belongs to Kaito. Saihara doesn't know if that's good or bad, but he pushes the door open anyways. 

Kaito is sitting on the floor, looking up at a screen on the wall. Saihara frowns. There's nothing like that in the other rooms, so what's special about-

He looks up at the screen, and realizes that it's showing the last trial from the simulation. Saihara freezes in the doorway. 

Kaito says blankly, “I asked them… for a copy of this season. I thought maybe… it would help with my memories.”

It's then that Saihara notices a stack of DVD cases on the floor next to Kaito, three feet high. 

“They gave me more than that,” Kaito adds, still staring at the screen, still watching as Shirogane rapidly changes costumes in front of their eyes. 

The shot cuts to Saihara himself, and the sight of himself makes him sick. His avatar in the simulation looks like him, but at the same time, there’s something  _ wrong _ , and he can’t put his finger on it. It hits him when the camera pans back to him on a closeup - his body is different.

He’s taller, his hips are smaller, and his shoulders are broader. Saihara stares at his avatar in disbelief, wondering how he never noticed that while in the simulation. He supposes that at the time, he was more focused on the fact that the others were dropping like flies.

“Why did she do it?” Kaito asks, “I knew Shirogane did this to us, but  _ why? _ She was so nice to us.”

Saihara kicks the ground absently, “She didn’t care for us at all. All she wanted was to keep the audience entertained.”

(That’s not entirely true and Saihara knows it, but he won’t let himself think about Shirogane anymore tonight.)

It hits him that his uncle probably watched the show. Saihara clutches his stomach.

Kaito tears his eyes away from the screen, and looks over at him, “Close the door. Come and… sit with me.”

Saihara does so, and collapses in a heap next to Kaito. He’s glad that he still has his hat, and he can’t fathom for the life of him why he ditched it in the simulation. He tugs it down over his face, so he doesn’t have to see their faces, any of them.

At half past five, he falls asleep. The last he knows, Kaito has put on another season, desperately looking for his memories, despite knowing that he won’t find them among the sea of people fated to die.

-

Gonta isn’t allowed visitors for the first bit. According to a rumor that Angie passed on, he tried to strangle the first doctor that came within arms reach of him, then profusely apologized right after.

So of course, when Saihara finally goes to visit him, he feels trepidation creep up his throat from his stomach. Still, he makes himself push open the door.

(If he can visit Shirogane, he can survive anything.)

Gonta is heavily restrained to his bed, but he’s able to turn his head to look at Saihara. His expression is neutral, but that doesn’t ease the tension in Saihara’s shoulders. He carefully walks up to Gonta’s bed, and manages a small greeting.

“Hi.”

God, he sounds so stupid.

(But of course, he was always stupid, wasn’t he? He was always such a  _ stupid little child _ wasn’t he?)

“Hi,” Gonta replies quietly, “You look like hell.”

Saihara blinks once, then rubs the back of his neck awkwardly. He supposes that his sleep schedule has taken a turn for the worse - many nights go by where he doesn’t sleep at all.

He realizes that Gonta is looking at him for a response, and says, “We all do.”

“Wouldn’t know,” Gonta says, “You’re the first person to come see me.”

He doesn’t use third person anymore, Saihara notes. It doesn’t surprise him that the others have avoided him - the rumour Angie had passed was a bad one - but Saihara tries to act like this is news to him, “Really? I thought that you’d be flooded with visitors.”

_ Laying it on a little thick, Shuuichi. Stop that. _

Gonta laughs bitterly, and it quickly turns into a cough, “You’re such a shit liar, Saihara. How you made it through the trials is a mystery to me.”

Saihara rubs his neck again, “Ah…” he says awkwardly.

He was never very close to Gonta. He doesn’t know why he’s here.

(It’s because Gonta was  _ nice, _ and it’s not like he can avoid him either - he went to see  _ Shirogane _ of all people, so now he has to visit everyone, no matter what.)

“Momota-kun’s awake,” Saihara says, trying to fill the space, “You two were friends, right?”

Gonta huffs, “Were. Neither of us are the people from the simulation… and I don’t want to talk to him. Not now.”

Saihara kicks himself.

(Why, why would he say something like that? He’s so  _ stupid stupid stupid stupid-) _

Gonta suddenly asks, “Does Iruma hate me?”

Saihara shrugs, “I can’t say for sure, since she’s still in a coma, but I don’t think she would. I mean, it was an accident.”

“I still can’t remember that,” Gonta says quietly, “I have most of my memories from the simulation, and they keep mixing with my real ones, which is really fucking annoying, but I can’t remember that bit at all.”

Saihara doesn’t know what to say to that. 

Gonta seems to realize this as well, “You should probably go. Thanks for coming.”

“Bye,” Saihara says awkwardly. Then he leaves.

(All he’s good at is following instructions oh god he’s not even really a person is he is he  _ is he-) _

-

Saihara pushes his way into the cafeteria, not sure if he’s hungry or just distressed. There’s a few people inside already, but not many. He spots Kaede, and makes a start towards her, then stops.

She’s sitting next to Maki, clearly deep in conversation. Both of them seem engaged in whatever they’re currently talking about, and haven’t even looked towards the door. There’s a spark in Kaede’s eyes, one that he hasn’t seen since the simulation. She looks so  _ happy _ talking to Maki, and it’s the best that she’s been since she woke up.

He wants to cry.

Angie and Himiko are sitting together on the other end of the cafeteria. Saihara goes over towards them, and he doesn’t look at Kaede, or at her smile, and he  _ definitely _ doesn’t almost start crying on the way.

“Hi, Shuuichi!” Angie says brightly, “Angie thinks it’s nice to see you!”

Himiko smiles slightly, “Hi there.”

Saihara forces himself to smile along, “Nice to see you guys too. Sorry, was I interrupting?”

“Angie was telling Himiko all about Angie’s island!” Angie replies, “Does Shuuichi want to listen too?”

Despite already knowing more than enough about the island Angie supposedly comes from, he nods, “I’d love that.”

Angie beams, “Kami-san will be so pleased!”

Saihara tries to focus on the nightmare-esque tales that Angie tells, tries to think about  _ anything _ besides Kaede and Maki’s conversation, but only succeeds in making himself feel ill. He excuses himself halfway through Angie’s story about marriage, and just manages to it all the way back to his room before he pukes in the trash can.

It’s only then that he realizes that the island Angie talks about might not even be real.

-

Shirogane doesn’t come to group therapy with the rest of them that week, despite being out of the hospital. Nobody mentions that, despite all being aware of it. 

Saihara’s glad she’s not there.

Still, he keeps looking towards the far end of the table, where Kaede and Maki are sitting together, and his heart lurches every time.

After the session, Kaito whispers to him, “Having the same problem I am?”

“What?

“Harumaki doesn’t want to talk to me,” Kaito says, still using the strange nickname that he did in the simulation, “And now she’s all up and up with Akamatsu-san.”

Saihara nods regretfully, “She… hasn’t wanted to be around me lately. I went to see her yesterday, but she said she already had plans… probably with Harukawa-san, now that I think about it.”

There’s a bitter taste in his mouth.

Kaito swings an arm around him, “Well, at least we’ve got each other! Brothers stick together, even in the face of defeat!”

Saihara can’t tell how much of Kaito’s upbeat mood is fabricated, so he smiles along, trying to ignore the sinking sensation in his stomach.

(At least his mind is off of Shirogane.)

-

At night, though, Saihara can’t get his mind off of her.

_ “When I was eleven, I saw Dangan Ronpa on television for the first time, and was instantly captivated.” _

He isn’t sure why. He hates Shirogane more than anyone else he’s ever known, and he hates a lot of people.

_ “These people had volunteered to die for entertainment! It was such a surprise for me. I got into the show so quickly, entranced by the students who were willingly giving their lives up.” _

Maybe it’s because he hates her. The brain has a funny way of working.

_ “Enthralled by it, I began delving deeper. When I was thirteen, I began helping out at the studio. Mundane things such as fetching coffee at first, but then, one of the higher ups discovered my sewing abilities. They signed me on immediately.” _

Saihara tosses and turns in his room, unable to sleep. Every time he closes his eyes, he sees her face again.

_ “I showcased my talent well. They made me executive producer of the past few seasons, and in this one, they actually allowed me to participate too! It was so exhilarating, I couldn’t describe it!” _

He knows he’s going to be sick again, and he scrapes his sharp nails against his skin, hoping it’ll provide some relief but oh god he needs a smoke and he needs a  _ knife and- _

_ “Is that it?” Saihara snaps, “That’s your excuse for everything you’ve done?” _

He grips his blanket so tight that it rips.

_ “It’s not an excuse. We simply live in a world where people die on television for fun. But I have nothing more to say. Goodbye, Saihara-kun.” _

When morning comes, Saihara wanders to the shower in his tiny bathroom, shakily tears off his clothes, and shivers. His body is still all wrong and he doesn’t know why he ever expects it to be different.

He turns on the shower, steps into the stream, and cries so hard that he screams. He doesn’t come out for the rest of the day, not even long after the water has turned ice cold.

He’s not safe. Not today.


End file.
